Aline... I hate you =)

Aline... Would you like the old dumplings now, or next year?

Mmmmm pork and celery dumplings, cabbage, radish, and dried dofu...

Want to trade for some of that pizza?

Phun with Fone Foto’s.

Yesterday, I needed to get a photo taken to have my visa renewed. Since Jay had asked me that afternoon, if I wanted to take some pictures with her, I thought we could kill two birds with one stone.

First thing’s first, since it is winter, and since I like to keep my head warm, my hair was not in such good shape after wearing my cap… Jay decided we should go to the school store and get our hair washed before we had pictures taken in the same building. So, after having my hair washed (by a man who probably enjoyed it more than I did), we had my visa picture made.

I don’t think I ever really pulled off the “convict #4233421” look, as much as I did with that picture. Maybe I should have been tipped off when the lady said, “Ok… now, try your best to look like a serial murderer.”

After that, we went to have pictures taken together. She wanted pictures to put on her mobile/cel phone. You may have seen these stands before; the type where you select your funny/pretty/whatever backgrounds and stand in front of the screen while it merges your picture with what you selected. For some reason, these things seem to be the “in” thing in many Asian countries.

We sat in front of a stack of folders, while Jay looked for the perfect backgrounds. I decided I wanted to choose at least one, so I started looking.

I could not control my laughter when I found the perfect one. I did not let Jay see it; I told her it would be a surprise. So, we went and had the pictures taken. When she saw the one I wanted, she started to laugh as well. We decided, not only to have the picture taken again in a larger size, but to “dress” ourselves up for it. She quickly threw my scarf around her head, I tried to get the collar of my sheepskin coat to be visible, and…

This was the result…

The ladies running the stand and printing the pictures thought it was funny. She said, “I’ve never seen anyone use that background before.”

It's FINALLY over...

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and I couldn’t be happier.

You see, I don’t celebrate Christmas. Sure, when I was young, I did, but in my adulthood, I could care less about it. It is not a religious holiday, and it is one of the worst commercial holidays I can imagine. Which other holiday forces you to feel lonely and longing for family, as its only means to make you happy?

I’m single, so this holiday is truly wasted on me. I don’t have my own “traditions”, and I’m not about to start decorating my home, just for me. (Hell, I can’t even clean my own room as it is.)

However, many Chinese find this holiday very interesting. They wish to know as much about it as possible. I think it is just another incidence of wanting to merge some western culture into their own.

Every year, I get the same questions: “How do you celebrate…” / ”What will you do…” / “Can you tell me…”… All related to Christmas.

Most of my classes know that I do not celebrate it. But, I have tried to give them an idea of what it was like for me as a kid, and how my family members currently celebrate it.

The other day, I mentioned to Jay that the other teachers were getting several gifts from students, but I had not even received a single apple (customary “Chinese” Christmas gift). She asked me, “Why do you think that is?” I said, “Well, because they all know I don’t celebrate Christmas.” She replied, in her wonderfully sarcastic style… “Yah… Keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better.”

She’s a trip.

Images... finally.

Well, I have finally put up a gallery of images, for those of you interested.  It’s “slap full” of about 1,600 pictures.

I’m going to be adding descriptive comments very soon; I just wanted to get them up on the website as soon as I could.

Anyway, have fun looking around.  Let me know if you run into any problems with it…

The link is on the left side of the page, along with other helpful stuff.

Stream of Unconsciousness.

I have finished giving my finals to the students. I ran into some problems when it came to finals in my movie classes however. As I pointed out a few weeks ago, it is hard to teach/grade a movie class, and finals were no exception. I decided to make it easy on them. I asked them to write about either the movie they liked or hated the most.

What I forgot was that, at least at BoHai, students are always asked to write papers, but their work is never read. So, they will often just copy each other, or take it directly from the internet, paying no mind to the content. Since, at least in the US, this would be grounds for expulsion, it really rubs me the wrong way when I get these types of papers.

When I say they pay no mind to the content, I mean they do not even read what they are copying, they are just transcribing. We receive everything from the writings of western movie critics, to bits of the actual screenplay (including directions). What makes matters worse is that these come from classes where this is the only thing I have asked them to do, other than just sit and watch movies. These are third year English majors.

Tonight, I received the gem in the crown of bizarre. Not only does it show how the system works in BoHai (and around China), it gives you an idea of what is to be propagated across this nation when it comes to talent in the workforce. I’ve mentioned it before, but grades, degrees, and subsequent jobs, are bought and sold like candy.

This had many of the foreign teachers splitting their sides. A review of one of the movies I showed in my class, from a third year student, who only showed up for one class… can you guess the movie? (And, keep my favorite saying in mind when you read it... "I shit you not.")

1950 states of the harvest, were escorted back under guard as the war criminal from Soviet Union country’s you lock oneself in the station bathroom shear the wrist suicide, the bathroom gate are violently sounded by the outside person. Bang the gate. Sound took into us 1908 some winter night. Mellowly, kissed the palace the front door loudly opens, the clear palace armed escort met year only 3 year old you in Forbidden City. The light shade is motley inside, concurrently had the fairyland was mystical and DiFu cloudy and cold, kind auspiciousness decayed senile appearance incomparable terror “d” d this even beautiful convict, after found throne inherit finished the life. Too ascends the base grand ceremony with the palace, the civil and military hundred officials pay respect emperor, the scene magnificent sight, however you regarding this certainly are not interested, actually likes above minister in the hand guo gue the basket.

Said this kind of speech, is hates or helpless, or has one spit is joyful.

Yes, that only then is your position. In order to prove oneself. You discovered the childhood hide in the throne ququ the baskes, the only ququ unexpectedly also lived “d” d is the joke? Is the coincidence? Is the tragedy? When commodore you pushes us stage, is when commodore you hide after the curtain, is many places in the time ququ. Lived under in throne shadow that jar for a lifetime.

We finally realized what the student had done. They had either written something in Chinese, or copied something from the net, and translated it into English. How they did it is what I want to know. Did they use an online translator, or did they do it word for word with a dictionary.

Sometimes, I feel for the students, and I will be easy on them. But, can I rightly let this type of thing go on to become an instrument of English education in China?

Kids

As I have said, many times before, I have several “small” friends outside the west gate of the campus. Any time I am out there, I make it a point to keep an eye out for them, so that I can play. (I might be an adult in age, but in spirit, I am still a kid.)

One of the hairdressers at a shop near the gate, has twin little girls. One night I was out playing with them and two of their friends. One of the friends was a very young girl who did not know what to make of the strange looking old man playing with her buddies. She shied away and kept her distance.

Another night, I was out and saw them all again. This time, the twins were running around, smacking my stomach and laughing. Seeing that they were having a good time, their little friend came over, smiled, and smacked me on the belly as well. That was as close as she came.

A few nights ago, I met that same little girl, walking with her mother. The girl immediately ran over to me, I bent down, and she flung herself up around my neck and gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek.

These kids amaze me.

As I told my classes this week; I like playing with children, especially in China, because they quickly forget that you are different, and you just become a friend. All children are like this. As soon as they get over the initial shock of something being different, if you are their friend, that is what you are… a friend.

I may have related this story before, but it is the best example I can give:

When I lived in Cheraw, South Carolina, I lived next door to a black family with twin girls about 10 years old. I knew the parents well; I had taken the father hunting, had them over for dinner, to watch the fights, and vice-verse. They both worked strange hours, and often times they would not be home when the school bus dropped the kids off.

Their mother made the rule that when they were not home, they were to come to my home, and do their homework until they came back from work. This rule was good in theory, but she forgot how much of a child I was. I would make them complete their homework, double check it and help them if they needed it, then we would all head outside and play. We did everything, bikes, balls, running, and games, anything we could think of.

One day, I let them know that my mother was coming to visit. They were a little excited about it, and eager to meet her. After my mother left from her visit, I was sitting around with my neighbors, their twins, their cousins, and one of their children. It was summer, so we were all outside talking and watching the kids. At one point, the twins ran up and said:

“Mommy! We saw Kyle’s mom today…. She’s WHITE!”

The mother looked at the kids like they had just come out of a space ship, and said:

“Well… what do you think KYLE IS?”

The girls looked at me and said, “Kind of brown?”

They had played with me long enough for the color of my skin to fade from their consciousness. That is something that is quite hard to do with adults.

In China, being a foreigner, that one sole trait of children, can be a great relief after a day of stares, finger pointing, and name calling.

Reverse “Chinese Culture”.

I have been collecting a ton of things for family members, since I arrived in China; today I thought I would send some home as Christmas gifts.

The Chinese postal system is infamous for “losing” items; I have had only two letters and one empty envelope reach home.  Since there was one gift in which its delivery is of the utmost importance to me, I decided I was going to insure it for a large amount.

In America, it is not insurance fraud to insure something for vast amounts; it would only be fraud if you made preparations for the package not to be delivered, just to collect the insurance.  In China, they will not allow you to do that, you must only insure it for the value of the items, which they inspect prior to your sending.  (I guess having the knowledge that your items are destined to be lost, over-insuring would truly be insurance fraud here.)

When I got to the counter, and I realized that my plans for “over-insuring” were not going to work, I felt a little ticked off.  I let them know that, of everything I have sent in over two years in China, only 2 things made it to America.  It did not seem to help my cause.

That is when I started to get a little pissed at the differences between China and America.  I try not to let it boil over; it is just a thorn in my side that pops up now and then.  Suddenly, something popped into my head that brought calm to my nerves, and a smile to my face.  When she questioned me about the cost of the items, I looked at Jay, pointed to each item and said…

“Well, this would normally cost 50元, but since I am a foreigner, it cost me 100元.  And, this would normally cost 15元, but since I bought it in BeiJing, and I am a foreigner, it cost me 100元…”

Even Jay, the man standing next to her, and one of the ladies behind the counter, could not stop laughing when I started in on my detailed inventory.  The lady told me, while still laughing, that it was ok for me to use either Chinese values or Foreigner values.  I came out insuring it for 1,000元, but I still would have insured it for five times that, just for the one gift.

Since I did not want to lose everything I have stored up for the family, I only sent a few for those living in my parent’s hometown.  The only flaw in my plans is… I forgot that my brother and his family have moved back to that town since I have been here in China… Sorry Mike… I will catch you with the next package.

Health unConsciousness...

Just thought I would start looking after my health a little better, so I decided to change brands.

New Group... of One... possibly.

Well, the end of the term is here… or, at least it is in my book. You see, nobody has bothered to tell us when the end of the term is. This is the normal case for the foreign teachers. So, I decided that I would end it myself by giving final exams this week.

At the end of every term, some foreign teachers leave; this term will be no different. Because of this fact, and the fact that the number of foreign teachers has been dwindling, the hiring of new teachers has been a point of… humor for the foreign teachers that will remain. (I only see us having about 4 teachers when the term is over.)

The other day, I decided to have some fun with it and ask the other foreign teachers to each go to the office on their own and question them as to how many new teachers were coming. I think I made the quote of, “… I bet their answers will be as random as the digits of my phone number.”

Well, I went in first, after hearing their reply, there was no need for others to ask, we had our laugh for the week. I was told, “Oh… Ten, possibly twenty.” I have never seen more than 4 new teachers come to this school at one time. And, I have never seen the office work THAT hard on getting teachers here.

Seeing as how there would not be enough rooms for this new “herd” of teachers, I asked where they would stay, they replied, “We will find room for them.” I’m really interested in seeing that.

They are using their old standby tactic of over exaggerating, to entice teachers to stay. This is done every term; last year it was the “Glorious new building” for the foreign teachers, with, “international cable”, “workout room”, and other wonderful things. They actually used that as a way to entice a teacher into leaving his job at LiaoNing Institute of Technology (with full apartment, free computer, free internet, and more), just to come here and realize he was lied to and put into a converted dorm room, charged for everything, and caged in like an animal.

The other day, I went in and brought the subject up again, and they mistakenly let their guard down and informed me that they only had one “possible” teacher so far.

Lets see, they have increased our pay, made it sound like we are getting a ton of new teachers, and they are actually “wishing” I would stay on (far cry from last term when it took them to the last minute to let me stay). Well, they have me hooked… I’m going to stay on another term, just to see how things work out. It’s like living in a “National Lampoon” movie… The humor can be funny at times and dated at other times, but you just want to see how the stupid thing ends.

Huh???

I would like to quote the World Health Organization:

“Tests for diagnosing all influenza strains of animals and humans are rapid and reliable.”

If this is the case, then why did it take well over a month for China to disclose that a woman 55 miles from me had the human form of the bird flu?

Xinhua news says that she was admitted to the hospital on October 30th and released on November 29th.  They also say that all the tests she had before December 5th were negative.

Sounds a little too convenient to me.  Remember the first cases?  The government said there were NO cases, and that those individuals also tested negative.  It was not until they called on the WHO that they were found to have been infected.

If a woman spends a month in the hospital with severe flu-like symptoms, so bad that they make a statement like, "her condition slowly became better through all out efforts to save her" why did it take a full week after she was released from the hospital to find out she was infected?

And, for anyone counting, that makes 25 outbreaks in animals, and 5 confirmed human cases of bird flu in China.

What do YOU see?

To prove my point to the rest of the world, I would like to have as many Chinese readers of this blog, especially my students, to tell me what they think about this new bank I bought. I bought this today, outside of the campus, in one of the several shops lining the street. These types of things are extremely common, at least in JinZhou.

Now, for the rest of mankind… YES, that is a black child, with its mouth taped shut, arms and legs chained, wearing a grass skirt, flowers growing in its hair, and wearing a shirt that says “Silence is golden”.

Tomorrow, I think I will create a bank with a Chinese man squatting, wearing a straw cap, eating a bowl of rice with chopsticks, chained next to a Japanese flag, with the words, “Let us do the thinking for you”, and start selling them in bulk to Africa. (To my students, look up the word SARCASM in the dictionary.)

"In-your-face" racism is rampant in China.

Sprockets!

If you were a fan of Saturday Night Live in the early to mid 90’s, you will find this amusing, if not… who cares.

I saw this picture today, while reading the news. This is Khaled el-Masri, a German man who is accusing the CIA of torture and kidnapping.

I don’t know about the whole “CIA stuff”, but I did notice he looked VERY familiar. And, being from Germany, it made it that much more entertaining.

Now iz ze time on Schprokets ven ve dance!

(Mike Meyers as Dieter)

And, to my German friend Till… “These were sent in by ordinary German people… like you and me.” (I still get tickled when I think about us watching that.)

And, before anyone starts on be about this being racist, after they read my other post from today, it is poking fun at a German sub-culture, not at German people as a whole. Many of my German friends read this blog (i.e. Till, Birgit, and others), and they can tell you, I have nothing but respect and love for that country and its people. I enjoyed every minute of my time in Germany, and while working with several German co-workers here in China and in Michigan, and would rather be teaching English in Germany, than sitting here in China.

I leave you now, with my favorite Dieter quote:

"For many years I lived with a married couple. As it turns out, they were my parents."

It Always Comes in Three’s.

Tonight, I made a girl cry… and I enjoyed every precious moment of it.

I, for SOME reason (possibly the fact that I am single, 36, living in a foreign country, been separated from family for over two years, and have not had a girlfriend in more than 2 years) I have been feeling a tad on the lonely side.

A few weeks ago, a girl just came up and started talking to me, this happens more often than you would think, but only because of their wanting to learn/practice their English. She seemed a little more “interested” than most, so I decided to give her a call and ask her out tonight.

After we met, we started to walk to a restaurant outside of the campus. Before we got there, she wanted to stop in and say hello to a friend, who was working in another shop. I happen to have taught this girl last year.

Before we left, the old student of mine, said something to the girl I was going out with. I did not hear it, and I was not paying too much attention.

When we got to the restaurant, as soon as we sat down, I could tell something was wrong. The girl looked at me and said, “I want to go home.” I, being a gentleman, said, “Ok. Is everything all right?” She said it was, “Nothing”. With some further prodding, I came to understand that the former student of mine had just told her, “You know, he’s 36, he has never been married, and he came here to China, just to have sex with students.”

I had settled her down enough for her to at least eat before we left, and I noticed that she kept sending messages on her mobile phone. I realized it was pointless for me to continue with a “date”, and I was starting to get a little on the “pissed” side.

I excused myself from the table, walked out, and went to the other shop. In front of her boss, co-workers, customers, students, and everyone else, I went BALLISTIC. I could see the tears collecting, but she stood there and took every word of it, without opening her mouth.

Let me tell you this, Kyle was no nice boy tonight. I let her have it in English and Chinese… with a couple of words you might not find in either dictionary. After leaving her to question her parentage, I went back to the restaurant, where my “date” was already on the phone with the girl I had just shredded.

She then excused herself and went back to that shop. When she finally came back, she said the girl wanted me to come back and apologize to her. I thought maybe she was mistaken, and her usage of English was wrong… but the girl I had cussed out, honestly wanted me to go back and apologize to her. I told her I’d just as soon bend over and kiss my own ass.

The problem with these kids is this… they are not SUPPOSED to be kids, but they are… in every way. These students have the social skills and mental capacity of 12 year olds. THERE, I finally said it.

And, before you ask… What ELSE am I supposed to do, in a society that believes you are an old maid if you are not married by 24. I’m not going to look for someone my own age; that would be instant death by marriage.

After all of this, I was trying to explain why I was so mad, to Jay. I let her know, that it was not just the rumors, but it was the fact that they were now starting to interfere with my life. It is bad enough to have to listen to them, but when it has an effect on my trying to take a girl out, it really pisses me off.

Now, picture this: Jay is walking, hand in hand with me, trying to tell me not to let it get to me, when, all of a sudden, a boy sees that we are holding hands and screams, “RASCALL!” after he walks by. Of course, I told him politely, in Chinese, that I knew his mother on intimate terms. But the reaction from Jay took the cake… she sat there staring back with what appeared to be balls of fire shooting out of her eyes. Let me tell you, she was pissed. I think she now understands what I am talking about. (And, to make matters worse, that boy was walking, hand in hand, with a girl… another case of the “in your face” racism that is as common as Asians in China.)

Foreigners lives are soap operas made up by students, because they have no real lives of their own.

They are so hypocritical. Girls on campus run around stating that they are “Traditional Chinese girls”, but they secretly have several boyfriends. It is a common occurrence here. You would expect it to be the opposite, but it is strange. There are far more girls than boys, and girls immediately try to find a boyfriend for status. Then, they go looking for the one who they actually like. Then, they find a few more, and a few more… and so on.

But, Chinese girls are the most jealous things on the face of the planet. And, every Chinese boy will agree to that statement.

The worst thing about all of this is… I have spent years here, trying NOT to live like a dog in heat. I have not had a girlfriend. I do keep my eyes open, but I have tried to be a nice guy. Yes, I have gone out a few times, but I think that is “allowed”. I have one girl who is so “head over heals” for me, that I have actually TRIED to keep her away. I like her a lot, but I know that I WOULD give her a bad name because of the differences in culture.

Look, no matter how much it might astonish my parents, I am a far cry from a 36 year old virgin, and the last thing I want to do is spend the next 3,4, or 5 years “holding hands”. I don’t have time for that; I had my fill of it when I was 13.

I am just doomed to sit here alone, or actually going out with complete trash.

My Week.

It has been an eventful week for me; much fun, with a few spots of anger.

Runaway class.

Last week, I decided to take one of my classes into Bryan’s film class to watch a movie. This always seems to bring joy to the students, who would much rather watch a movie than converse in English.

At one point during the movie, Bryan and I left for a minute to take a break. As we did, my entire class snuck out. I was a TAD bit on the angry side, but for the rest of the week, the class sent me countless phone messages apologizing for their actions.

Flash forward to this week. As I stood in front of the same class, Bryan gave me a call and asked if I wanted to bring them for a movie. As I was talking, I made it a point to let them hear me say, “No, they don’t want to see a movie.” They all screamed, “Yes! We DO!"

After hanging up with Bryan, I said, “Do you really want to see “Braveheart”?” to which they all screamed, “YES!” I then asked, “Will you stay, or leave this time?” to which they all replied, “We will stay!"

I reminded them that I was taking them to join another class, and that I did not want them to disrupt the class.

Again, Bryan and I left for a break, just after starting the movie. As we stood at the end of the hallway, I watched as my class left, in small groups, opening and closing the door several times while talking and laughing. Not only was I pissed, but also Bryan.

When I got back into class, I noticed there were only 5 of my students remaining. I quickly sent a phone message to the missing class monitor and told her that, if the students were not back in our original classroom in 5 minutes, they would receive a 50 for their final score.

Pretty soon, the door started opening and closing with students coming to tell me they were returning to the other class. Again, I sent a message to the monitor and said, “Just stay in that room, I will be down in a minute, stop acting like children, and do not interrupt this class again.”

Needless to say, I never went to the classroom. I did, however, tell the students who did remain, that they all received a 100 for their final grade and that they did not need to return for the remainder of the term.

I have since joked with the other foreign teachers, that I should punish the rest of the class by making them clean my room. Of course, one of them said I should make sure they all have their tetanus shots prior to the punishment.

Chinglish Competition.

The other day, after having a short class, I decided to sit in on Phillipa’s class (Australian co-worker). When it was over, several of the students asked us if we would attend their English Corner that evening, which we agreed.

This English Corner was the type that had several events and contests. One of the contests was where a team of two students would come up, face each other, and English words would be displayed behind one of them. The other was to use English and try to get the other student to guess the word. The object was to see how many they could get in the time limit.

When they ask for teams, I grabbed Philippa and dragged her to the front of the room. Everyone started clapping, and they all said we had to do it in Chinese. Phillipa wanted no part of it, but I forced her. I had her face me, and I would make her guess the words. I would speak Chinese; she would have to guess the word, in English.

Well, I have a new found pride for my Chinese… or at least in the fact that another foreigner can understand it, because we won, HANDS DOWN.

Afterwards, Phillipa and I realized we may have made some of the students lose face. After all, they have been learning English for quite some time; Phillipa has been in China less than a year, and I have never cracked a book when it comes to studying the language. Oh, and before you say it… no, the students did not let us win, we went last. =)

***

Tonight, while at an English competition at the Management College, they had the same event/contest. I was a judge, so I didn’t “participate”.

During one teams try, the strangest thing happened. Their category was food, and the word they were working on was “Peach”.

I’m not sure why, but the first thing that popped into the girls head was, “Monkeys like to eat this.”

What was even stranger was that the first thing to come out of the boy’s mouth was… “Peach”.

This incident will perplex me until the end of my days.

Who is running this show?

When we receive our “Foreign Expert Certificates” (work permit), we have to go through our office. They pull all different pieces of information from us, including copies of educational history, passport information, and photographs. They then take this information and have our permits issued through the government.

Let me also remind you that BoHai University is a State run university; as in the Communist State Government.

After coming back from the English competition tonight, there was a piece of paper posted for the foreign teachers to read and fill out. It stated that the government was doing a check of permits, and they wanted us to write our permit numbers on the piece of paper, beside our names.

As soon as I saw this, my blood started to boil. After filling out my number, I wrote in large letters on top of the paper, “WHY DO YOU NEED THIS?!?! THIS SHOULD BE PART OF YOUR JOB!!!!”

I have never felt more like a piece of cattle than I did when I read that. And people wonder why foreigners have stopped coming, and companies do not send teachers to BoHai University.

There is no reasonable excuse for this. There are now only 8 foreign teachers for a campus of over 30,000 students. The office has only two duties; to bring in foreign teachers/students, and to care for them while they are here. They do not give us our job duties, they do not teach the students; those are things that are left to the individual departments which we are assigned to.

Unless I am mistaken, the fact that their foreign work force will dwindle to half its current number next term, accompanied by the fact that they can’t even keep our records straight, shows that there is a dereliction of those duties.

Normally, I would go and say something, but that would put me on their “shyt list”, and it would only make matters worse.

Maybe, since they are struggling to get new foreign teachers, and they do not wish to lose any more, they might actually LISTEN to me if I went and complained…. NAHHH.

Oh, and get this… the office has YET to mention anything regarding Bird Flu to us. Hell, the university has told the students to stop eating Chicken, but we have to learn this on our own.

It is a pretty sad state of affairs, when teachers have literally learned about things going on in our own city… FROM THEIR FAMILIES IN OTHER COUNTRIES!

Yes, I think I have finally made the decision to leave this place.