Another installment of “Going to the hospital.”
Quick background: Had some stomach pain that shifted to my kidneys, then to my groin, and eventually felt like it kicked me in the family jewels (seriously).
On to the hospital.
The front lobby of every hospital I have been (which has been quite a few here), looks just like the lobby of the ticketing area of any train station in China. This is not a judgment; it is just how it looks.
Today was a little different, and truly astonishing. The lines of people, a few hundred strong, were left waiting for an hour while the receptionists took their lunch break. You really can’t do anything in the hospital until you go through this first step.
At the counter you are asked what type of problem you have, and they issue you a medical log book with UPS code and they point you off in the direction you need to go. No problems… and cheap (5元).
The next step is to walk through the labyrinth of hallways and offices to find your assigned doctor. Remember, 1.3 billion people… The doctor will not be seeing you “privately”. Oh, they try, but it is mostly in vain. Even when it was my turn, some man refused to leave, after being asked by the doctor and nurses. I didn’t really worry too much about the main listening in on me describing my pains, until the doctor decided he needed to play a round of “Second hand pocket pool” with me.
May God strike me dead if I am lying… the doctor did it without gloves.
I was informed that I needed to have one test, and possibly another, depending on the outcome of the first.
Everything needs to be paid up front, so I was off to the cashier for that area, then off to the ultrasound lab.
As I am lying on the table, asking for them to check and see if my unborn child is well, I realized that my ultrasound was going to go a little lower than just my stomach and sides.
You know, how those ultrasound wands do look like those industrial strength “back” vibrators??? No vibrate setting on this thing.
During the exam, one of the technicians questioned if “foreigners look the same on the inside”… I… I… But??? Did he??? nooooo… I was his version of the “Alien Autopsy”?
Now it was back to the doctor’s office. He let me know that I have some cysts and some calcium deposits on “the wonder twins”, and then said I needed to take the “other exam”.
I thought I knew what the “other exam” was, and I was not looking forward to it. But off I went to the cashier (yes, I had to go pay 36元 for that). But, instead of going directly back to the doctor’s office, I decided to go to another office and have a doctor hook me up with a personal stash of some good drugs… Clonazepam. Yeah, a doctor asking to give me “the finger”, in a crowded room, caused me to realize I needed a refill of panic attack meds. So, off I went to the cashier and on to the pharmacy…
6元 for some primo drugs, and 36元 for “the finger”; a total of about $5… Couldn’t have done better with a New York City crack whore.
He told me to go behind the curtain and take the position of the man in the poster. I didn’t need to look at the poster, I know the routine well… after working for Bohai University for five years, I’m quite familiar with bending over and taking it up the…
I’ve had prostate exams before, and I was vaguely aware of another type of test they do. I should not have confused his meaning of “test”, with simply a prostate exam… it wasn’t. I won’t go into details, but there is a regular exam of the prostate, and then there is an exam for the fluids. They should not be confused… One is uncomfortable; the other can be extremely painful. Let’s just say I wasn’t reciting Shakespeare’s sonnets, so I don’t know how entertained the room full of people was with my words.
This time the doctor did use gloves…
I then had to ‘hobble’ through the hallways with a microscope slid of my own bodily fluids (seriously), through masses of people, to take it to the lab.
After waiting for the results, I went back to his office. He sat down (I stood) and told me that I had an inflamed prostate. I wanted to look at him and say “No sh-t Sherlock! You just tried to pin it against the floor with your finger!”
He then asked me if I wanted western or Chinese medicine. I asked him what the differences were, and he told me that, with the western medicine, I needed to use a suppository and sit in a pan of warm water… every day…
Ladies and Gentleman! Gather around! Let me tell you about the wonders of Chinese medicine…
He wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic and some Chinese medicine, then suggested that I return, twice a week for six months, to see if the medication was working. I wanted to suggest something to him, but after our intimate meeting behind the curtain, I wasn’t sure how he would take it if I told him to kiss my ---. I also thought about asking if I could just go to the corner KTV twice a week for the exam; If it has to be done, I should at least enjoy it.
Back I went to the cashier and then to the pharmacy.
Total cost was about 800元… I think the KTV would be cheaper.
|
On to the hospital.
The front lobby of every hospital I have been (which has been quite a few here), looks just like the lobby of the ticketing area of any train station in China. This is not a judgment; it is just how it looks.
Today was a little different, and truly astonishing. The lines of people, a few hundred strong, were left waiting for an hour while the receptionists took their lunch break. You really can’t do anything in the hospital until you go through this first step.
At the counter you are asked what type of problem you have, and they issue you a medical log book with UPS code and they point you off in the direction you need to go. No problems… and cheap (5元).
The next step is to walk through the labyrinth of hallways and offices to find your assigned doctor. Remember, 1.3 billion people… The doctor will not be seeing you “privately”. Oh, they try, but it is mostly in vain. Even when it was my turn, some man refused to leave, after being asked by the doctor and nurses. I didn’t really worry too much about the main listening in on me describing my pains, until the doctor decided he needed to play a round of “Second hand pocket pool” with me.
May God strike me dead if I am lying… the doctor did it without gloves.
I was informed that I needed to have one test, and possibly another, depending on the outcome of the first.
Everything needs to be paid up front, so I was off to the cashier for that area, then off to the ultrasound lab.
As I am lying on the table, asking for them to check and see if my unborn child is well, I realized that my ultrasound was going to go a little lower than just my stomach and sides.
You know, how those ultrasound wands do look like those industrial strength “back” vibrators??? No vibrate setting on this thing.
During the exam, one of the technicians questioned if “foreigners look the same on the inside”… I… I… But??? Did he??? nooooo… I was his version of the “Alien Autopsy”?
Now it was back to the doctor’s office. He let me know that I have some cysts and some calcium deposits on “the wonder twins”, and then said I needed to take the “other exam”.
I thought I knew what the “other exam” was, and I was not looking forward to it. But off I went to the cashier (yes, I had to go pay 36元 for that). But, instead of going directly back to the doctor’s office, I decided to go to another office and have a doctor hook me up with a personal stash of some good drugs… Clonazepam. Yeah, a doctor asking to give me “the finger”, in a crowded room, caused me to realize I needed a refill of panic attack meds. So, off I went to the cashier and on to the pharmacy…
6元 for some primo drugs, and 36元 for “the finger”; a total of about $5… Couldn’t have done better with a New York City crack whore.
He told me to go behind the curtain and take the position of the man in the poster. I didn’t need to look at the poster, I know the routine well… after working for Bohai University for five years, I’m quite familiar with bending over and taking it up the…
I’ve had prostate exams before, and I was vaguely aware of another type of test they do. I should not have confused his meaning of “test”, with simply a prostate exam… it wasn’t. I won’t go into details, but there is a regular exam of the prostate, and then there is an exam for the fluids. They should not be confused… One is uncomfortable; the other can be extremely painful. Let’s just say I wasn’t reciting Shakespeare’s sonnets, so I don’t know how entertained the room full of people was with my words.
This time the doctor did use gloves…
I then had to ‘hobble’ through the hallways with a microscope slid of my own bodily fluids (seriously), through masses of people, to take it to the lab.
After waiting for the results, I went back to his office. He sat down (I stood) and told me that I had an inflamed prostate. I wanted to look at him and say “No sh-t Sherlock! You just tried to pin it against the floor with your finger!”
He then asked me if I wanted western or Chinese medicine. I asked him what the differences were, and he told me that, with the western medicine, I needed to use a suppository and sit in a pan of warm water… every day…
Ladies and Gentleman! Gather around! Let me tell you about the wonders of Chinese medicine…
He wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic and some Chinese medicine, then suggested that I return, twice a week for six months, to see if the medication was working. I wanted to suggest something to him, but after our intimate meeting behind the curtain, I wasn’t sure how he would take it if I told him to kiss my ---. I also thought about asking if I could just go to the corner KTV twice a week for the exam; If it has to be done, I should at least enjoy it.
Back I went to the cashier and then to the pharmacy.
Total cost was about 800元… I think the KTV would be cheaper.
posted by You know at 1/27/2010 11:50:00 AM
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